It’s not easy being a millennial – you’re underpaid, patronised by advertising campaigns, and frequently described as lazy in the national press. Those of us in our late twenties, despite having no more disposable income than we did a few years ago, don’t even get the small respite of student discounts and a young person’s railcard.
So today’s news of a millennial railcard – promising cheaper travel for 26 to 30-year-olds – couldn’t have come a minute too soon. The scheme hasn’t been confirmed, but a document circulated on a UK rail forum – appearing to be from industry body the Rail Delivery Group – suggested that it was about to be trialled by Greater Anglia and would roll out nationally in 2018.
However, the news has caused some indignation among the oldest millennials (the generation is sometimes said to begin with those born in 1982), those thirty-somethings who graduated the same time that the economy imploded.
So in the interests of inclusion, while middle-aged millennials enjoy our last few months of paying upwards of £80 to sit in the luggage rack, here are a few other ideas for railcards that the authorities could try next.
1. Remain Voters’ Railcard
Real earnings are in decline thanks to a spike in inflation. This is partly due to the weak pound – and I wonder what could have caused that to happen? Those of us who voted Remain shouldn’t be blamed for tanking living standards following the Brexit referendum, and should get discounted train tickets as compensation. It’s the least Brexiteers can do.
2. Southern Railcard
Discounted travel, but only on trains that are more than an hour delayed.
3. Jeremy Corbyn Railcard
A third off advance tickets, but only if you agree that at any time, you could be asked to give up your reserved seats for Jeremy Corbyn and his entourage. Because no one wants the absolute boy to have to sit on the floor again.
4. Who’s a Good Boy Railcard
Discounted tickets, as long as you travel with a cute dog at all times, and allow fellow commuters to hold it, stroke it and take photos with it to give them five minutes of joy in their bleak, bleak lives.
5. Theresa May-ilcard
Free travel on the Eurostar to Brussels. The only catch is that the train doesn’t actually go anywhere, instead sitting stationary in the Channel Tunnel while the driver says “no service is better than a bad service” repeatedly over the tannoy.
6. Centrist Dad Railcard
Discounted travel for you and two children, on the condition that when the conductor comes to check tickets, you explain why you should not be forced to pay full price due to being the only person on board with sensible views about the economy. Also, who in this carriage would like to be in my new anti-Brexit political party?
7. Solipsists’ Railcard
If the self is all that can be known to exist, how do we know that trains are real? Surely you cannot ask me to pay full price for this ticket, officer, when I am nothing but a brain in a lab and this reality is merely an elaborate dream.
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