Pinpoint the notorious within each rhyme
1 Her construct dwarfs all other selections;
Pop upstairs to see shaving reflections.
2 A Californian housewife agreed to carry,
These children since christened by Tony and Barrie.
3 Seven million missing punters caused sniffing and hooting,
When number-crunched by this “Red Adair of corporate trouble-shooting”.
4 From his “ideal place to live” he jetted home,
After gaining sympathy with a display of chrome.
5 Funeral guest-lists for two brothers were sought,
By the Department of Culture, Media and Sport.
6 His kairos moment possibly already done-gone,
He spent millennium year musing daily on Ephesians 1.
7 Kept indoors because male voters admired his rear,
He pronounced particular always as “part-ic-lear”.
8 “Universal validity, bitter insights, linguistic ingenuity” –
How they praised his shifting me, I, you and he/she.
9 His play about schoolteachers, their lives quite fraught,
Caused giggles and guffaws at the Royal Court.
10 The style photographer who survived haemorrhage of brain,
Turned instead to exhibiting friends’ bedsit pain.
11 Faced with vigilantes and editors reasoning poorly,
He topped himself one teatime in Chorley.
12 This knighted Nigerian indicated the producers’ cartel,
Might whack out more barrels in case stock markets fell.
13 Whether in May film judges were wrong,
Poignantly she caterwauled each Selmasong.
14 Machine-guns applied, after writ of certiori denied;
But cigars all-round, where he returned to abide.
15 Her partnership may implode from bad sales or bickers,
But at home is a man who’ll don women’s knickers.
Match the quotes to the quotee. Choose from: Sean “Puff Daddy” Combs, Matthew Parris, Tony Blair, Paul McCartney, John Prescott, Stephen Fry, Helena Kennedy, Ken Livingstone, William Hague, Peter Tatchell, Uma Thurman, Brian Sewell
16 “Recently, when I was away for a few days, I got hold of a copy of the Koran. I read that. I’m fascinated by it.”
17 “I’m just not happy with the cutlery. It doesn’t have the correct weight.”
18 “I’ve been so lucky. I’m bound to get breast cancer tomorrow.”
19 “Personally, I just find the kind of ruthless submission to capitalism on every single level is distressing.”
20 “Hand out free skunk and the crime rate will plummet.”
21 “Go for it, pal. Your turn now.”
22 “You don’t know me. I’m the first guy to hit the deck.”
23 “I never knew Elton John was gay.”
24 “Nothing is more unfashionable than a fashion that’s gone out of fashion”
25 “Every time I see this Countryside Alliance and their contorted faces, I redouble my determination . . . “
26 “Thatcher, whatever one thinks, never intruded into the bedroom.”
27 “I am afraid one of the last things I do is pay my taxes and sort out my accounts.”
Match each equation to a statistic. Choose from: 400, 8, 23, 3, 12, 5.9, 139, 140, 43, 22.5
28 Previous attempts by Margaret Atwood before scooping “the London literary orgasm of the year” =
29 Times in Servants of the People that Andrew Rawnsley quotes his source as “private information” =
30 Greater percentage of London residents now finding the word “bastard” acceptable than in the Midlands =
31 Prescriptions dispensed to the average UK resident in a year =
32 Billions of pounds bagged in this year’s auction of mobile phone frequencies =
33 Current average bitch’s litter in the UK =
34 Executions presided over by George W Bush as governor of Texas =
35 Percentage by which gay men are more likely to touch when communicating at work than heterosexual men =
36 Percentage of children currently born out of wedlock in the European capital of romance (Paris) =
37 Weight increase in the past ten years, in pounds, of the average passenger flying from Heathrow =
True or False?
38 King’s College Hospital believes that it could fashion 250,000 square feet of Dermagraft artificial skin from cells in one foreskin.
39 Express publisher Richard Desmond is best friend to Jeremy Beadle.
40 PC Ian Sheeran of the Diplomatic Protection Squad changed Leo Blair’s nappy in a car outside Downing Street while his mother greeted General Sir Charles Guthrie.
41 Princess Diana’s favourite food, according to her private secretary, was cottage cheese on After Eight mints.
42 Matthew McConaughey will play Jonathan Aitken and Joely Richardson has auditioned as Carol Thatcher for Mainline Pictures’ Pride and Perjury.
43 Charles Saatchi paid £1,000,000 for Damien Hirst’s Hymn.
44 Three-quarters of an hour before filming Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? presenter Chris Tarrant dips his head for 15 seconds in a bucket of iced water.
45 The American group Exposing Satanism is lobbying for Harry Potter books to be boycotted.
Match each headline to its publication source. Select from: Daily Star, Daily Telegraph, Sun, Daily Mail, Daily Express, Guardian, Sunday Times, Observer, London Evening Standard, Independent
46 Daft Choice For New Coke Head
47 Why 80% of Us Resent Refugees Living in Britain
48 Official: Marriage Is the Best
49 The Lord Isn’t PC in the Year 2000CE
50 Queen Sings With a Fish
51 Millions of Motorists Ready to Do Their Duty
52 3 Shoot-Ups in Just 24 Hours
53 £2m Church Fund
54 Who Is Jack Straw?
55 Why Do We Let Our Children Watch This Vile, Sexist and Explicit Nonsense?
Answers below
1 Louise Bourgeois
2 Aspen and Saffron Drewitt-Barlow
3 David James (Dome chairman)
4 General Pinochet
5 Prince William and Prince Harry
6 George Carey
7 Craig Phillips (of Big Brother)
8 Gao Xingjian (winner of the 2000 Nobel Prize for Literature)
9 David Eldridge
10 Corinne Day (ex-fashion photographer)
11 James White
12 Rilwanu Lukman (Opec general secretary)
13 Bjork Gudmundsdottir
14 Elian Gonzalez
15 Victoria Beckham
16 Tony Blair
17 Brian Sewell (on Ready Steady Cook)
18 Helena Kennedy
19 Uma Thurman
20 Peter Tatchell
21 Matthew Parris
22 Sean “Puff Daddy” Combs
Related
23 Paul McCartney
Content from our partners
24 William Hague
25 John Prescott
26 Stephen Fry
27 Ken Livingstone
28 3
29 140
30 23
31 8
32 22.5
33 5.9
34 139
35 400
36 43
37 12
38 True
39 True
40 False
41 False
42 False
43 True
44 False
45 True
46 Daily Telegraph
47 Daily Express
48 Observer
49 Sunday Times
50 Sun
51 Daily Mail
52 London Evening Standard
53 Daily Star
54 Guardian
55 Independent