Stand-up comedian Al Murray has today announced – in character as the ironically-xenophobic Pub Landlord – that he’s going to be running for MP in South Thanet, against another “bloke waving a pint around, offering common sense solutions”. In a party political broadcast on behalf of “FUKP” (the “Free the United Kingdom Party”), he said:
That is why I am here to announce my intention to run for election as member of parliament for the constituency of South Thanet. Let it be known, like many of the parliamentary hopefuls in the upcoming election, I have no idea where South Thanet is. But did that stop Margaret Thatcher from saving the Falkland Islands? No.
I will not at any point try to reach out to you. Ugh. I will not be offering the nation a conversation. Who wants to talk to politicians? Nobody normal. I’m not going to pretend you’re my friends either. No. The reason I’m standing is because the system is broken. We all know it is. You hear people saying you shouldn’t vote. Well, you should vote, you should vote boys and girls, and you should vote for me.”
He’s offering a bunch of “common sense policies for common sense people”, including:
- “1p a pint” and “1p a glass of wine (fruit-based drink for the ladies) too”.
- The pound will be revalued as being worth £1.10.
- People turning up at A&E when it’s not an accident or an emergency will “be sent to a random hospital department” to be treated instead.
- Deliberately making the UK “a whole lot worse” so that immigrants stop wanting to come to “the greatest nation on Earth”.
- Bricking up the Channel Tunnel. (“With British bricks, of course – but probably have to get some Poles in to do it. Common sense.”).
- School places allocated by “street raffle”.
- Alex Salmond to be made first minister of Norwich, “so he can understand what being ignored by the rest of the country is really like”.
- Pledging that the UK will leave Europe by 2025, and the Solar System by 2050.
- National service, “but only for those who don’t want to do it”.
He concludes:
We in the FUKP don’t claim to have all the answers, or, indeed, any of them. But what we do promise is we will save the British pub, fight the Germans (if they’re up for it), and burn down the Houses of Parliament for the insurance.
The other parties are offering you the Moon on a stick. We can do better than that: a British Moon, on a British stick.”
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Murray’s gigs are often popular with far-right nationalists who don’t get that he’s taking the piss out of them. Maybe he’s banking on Ukip voters in South Thanet having the same problem in the polling booth in May.
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