In the new series of Celebrity Masterchef (1 July, 9pm) – never in the entire history of television has a show been so misleadingly titled – one of the contestants is “Apprentice star” Thomas Skinner. He’s a sweet man: imagine Joe Root, the blond choirboy of cricket, crossed with the kind of cabbie who asks you, with perfect sincerity, if you’ve had “a nice night out, darlin’”, and you’re almost there. But my God, the voice. It’s loud. Forget the competition itself, which has to do with turning those who struggle to make a stir-fry into those who have fancy ways with trompette foams; the real contest this time around is going to be between Skinner and Gregg Wallace, and who can shout the loudest.
Did Wallace’s co-presenter, John Torode, insert mozzarella balls into his ears, the better to protect them? Or did BBC health and safety step in and lend him some off-camera ear defenders? Of course, what one really wants to be protected from when it comes to Wallace, ever resplendent in his Snooker Loopy waistcoats, is his rictus smile, which makes him look like an egg with constipation, and does nothing whatsoever to assuage the slight feeling that he might one day come over a touch Michael Douglas in Falling Down and start chucking saucepans at people. Also, from his “feedback”. Fifteen years into his reign at the Masterchef franchise, and the man still operates in an adjectival realm in which lemons are lemony, cream is creamy and potatoes are, probably, potato-y.
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