Last week, we discovered the romcom residing within Game of Thrones: this week gave us all that and more. “Eastwatch”, the fifth episode of the season, didn’t have high-octane action scenes or lengthy shots of people scheming around maps. But it did have a whole lot of character building: as old allies returned, new tensions emerged and new bonds were formed. And that, my friends, resulted in truly the best thing of all: lots and lots of good, old-fashion Westerosian flirting.
We begin with Bronn and Jaime emerging from the lake: reader, they did not die. Lying on the grass together, dripping and panting. “What the fuck were you doing back there?” Bronn says angrily about Jaime nobly risking his life in his attempt to kill Daenerys. KISS! KISS! KISS! “Listen to me, cunt,” Bronn continues. “Until I get what I’m owed, a dragon doesn’t get to kill you. You don’t get to kill you. Only I get to kill you!” Possessive much? Bronn leaves Jaime looking sadly out over the lake, contemplating the wars to come.
- Bronn calling Jaime a cunt. +11. Same.
- Jon telling Daenerys her dragons aren’t beautiful. +9. Risky move.
- Sam just boldly butting in to a Serious Maester convention when he’s essentially their cleaner. +19.
- Tyrion and Varis sipping wine and reading private letters. +8 each.
- Dany openly lusting over two men and subtly encouraging them to vie for her affection. +21. This is serious bad bitch behaviour.
- Davos seriously suggesting that Gendry rename himself “Clovis”. What the fuck kind of weird name is Clovis?! +12.
- Davos: “Don’t mind me, all I’ve ever done is live to a ripe old age!” +16. Why does no one ever listen to Davos!!!
- Gilly just casually discovering some of the most crucial information for the wars to come. +21.
- Gilly taking no shit when Sam treats her like a total fucking idiot. +17.
- Sam, being a total twat. -71.
- Gendry immediately running off with Davos after five seconds in his company again and no knowledge of the task at hand. +14.
- Gendry killing people with an enormous phallic hammer. +8.
- Gendry discarding all advice and breezily identifying himself to a potential rival for the Iron Throne. +18
- Gendry negging the King of the North five seconds after meeting him. +12.
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