We live in an era of constant change and innovation, of driverless cars, of solar roof tiles, of breakthrough Alzheimer’s drugs, and knives that are simultaneously chopping boards. But for every one of these exceptional innovations, there are ten redundant technological advancements designed to do nought but get our fists shaking in rage. Here are some of the worst inventions of 2016 that, we hope, will not be joining us in the year of our Lord 2017.
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LuDela Smart Candle
We’re excited to announce that today @JoinLuDela has introduced the world’s first real-flame smart #candle. https://t.co/J5MbURuuLU pic.twitter.com/j5uKBnetHB
— LuDela (@JoinLuDela) September 20, 2016
Although the world’s first “smart” candle is only available for pre-order and the company has not started shipping yet, we suggest the team save themselves the trouble (and stamps) and call the whole thing off now. The real flame of the LuDela candle is controlled by your smartphone (why must we defy God so?) and you can light it or put it out via an app. A single candle will cost you $99 – that’s 78 Great British Pounds.
Samsung Galaxy Note 7
Like the world’s first smart candle, but now with 50 per cent more fire.
The Digitsole Smartshoe
The #future is now! Reserve your pair of #smartshoes today ► https://t.co/ABc07zjqvF pic.twitter.com/YhYtqdtQxy
Give a gift subscription to the New Statesman this Christmas from just £49— Digitsole (@Digitsole) March 2, 2016
It is said that deep down, humans just want to connect, which is the only possible explanation for these Bluetooth-connected smart shoes. They automatically tighten themselves, absorb shock, and also “warm your feet” (whose shoes aren’t doing this already? Seek guidance). In addition to this, there is also a spikey part (a spike, you might say) just above the heel, presumably to aim towards the bullies asking you why the hell you have an app where your feet should be.
Facebooks’ Trending algorithm
Via Getty
After Facebook fired the humans behind their Trending sidebar, fake news stories (and a video of a man having sex with a McDonald’s chicken sandwich) were promoted to the masses on the social network. Whether or not this paved the way for President-Elect Trump is unclear, but what is clear is that we’re all committed to saying it did anyway.
LVL Wearable Hydration Monitor
LVL advertises itself as “the first fitness tracker that tracks your body’s hydration in real time”, seemingly having forgotten about the existence of the brain.
Karmatic
— Karmatic (@KarmaticApp) June 20, 2016
This app is widely considered to be the Facebook of the road, something absolutely no one asked for, ever. Though its creators discourage the app’s use while actually driving, there is basically no way of ensuring people will listen. “Karmatic” allows you to send audio and text messages to other nearby drivers as they hurtle along inside their metal cages on wheels, while its predecessor, “karma” will ensure that you get grieviously injured if you do so while driving yourself.
Samsung WELT, the first smart belt
Can any of us truly claim that we still deserve to live?
Qube
Whereas “invention” used to mean toiling away with graph paper, graphite, and graft, it now simply entails looking around at things you own and saying, “‘Ere, Jerry, can we put the internet in that?” Meet Qube, a smart bin which even after reading its entire Kickstarter page, you will still have no idea what it does.
AirPods
Look at the size of them compared to that man. They’ll never fit in my ears. #AppleEvent #AirPods pic.twitter.com/5AiIoJ4Mqv
— David Lewis (@drl) September 7, 2016
Though no everyday consumer has yet slipped these into their ears, the AirPods were possibly the most rage-inducing invention of 2016. And though you do not yet own them, your mum has already mistaken them for some new heads for her electric toothbrush, and your dad has already laughed, laughed, laughed mockingly in your face at the frivolities of our age.
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