Pupils need internet classes? Here are 41 lessons they should learn

Forget privacy and security, here's what to do when a black and blue dress looks white and gold.

It is imperative that children are taught how to survive and thrive on the internet, claims a new House of Lords report. According to the Lords Communication Committee, pupils need to learn how to stay safe, avoid addictive games, and become “digitally literate”.

It’s hard to argue with the report, which is a great step forward in acknowledging that the internet now basically = life. Yet although it is crucial that children learn how to stay private and secure online, there are also some equally crucial and not-at-all-flippant pieces of information that the youth urgently need to know. Here are the first 41 lessons in that curriculum.

To figure out how much to donate towards your mate’s charity half-marathon, half X OR double Y, where X is the amount paid by their mum and Y is the amount donated by your closest rival, Becky
Don’t mention that it’s snowing
If – for some reason – you talk about bombs in a Facebook message, follow this up with “Hi Theresa May” in case Theresa May is looking, and then Theresa May will think you are just joking
If you are on a train and you are annoyed about the train, do not tweet @ the social media manager who runs the account for the train, because they are not, in fact, the train
If a Facebook meme starts “Only 10 per cent of people can get this puzzle right” – know that lies are its captain
It’s not pronounced me-me
Never say me-me nor meem, for they should not be discussed out loud
People can tell if you’ve watched their Instagram stories
People can’t tell if you’ve waded back through their Zante 2008 album and viewed all 108 photos
People can tell if you’ve waded back through their Zante 2008 album and viewed all 108 photos if you accidentally Like one – in this circumstance, burn yourself alive
Jet fuel can melt steel beams
If a dog-walking photo is taken in the woods and no one uploads it; did it even happen?
Google it before you share it
Know that Khloe Kardashian does not look that way because of a FitTea wrap
Do not seek solace in #MondayMotivation – it is a desolate place
Respect JK Rowling
Please read an article before you comment about a point that the article specifically rebutted in great detail in order to prepare for such comments that alas, inevitably came
Don’t be racist, ok?
Never, under any circumstances, wade into the Facebook comment section under an article about Jeremy Corbyn
If a dress looks white and gold to some people and black and blue to some others, please just go outside
Open 200 tabs until you are crippled with anxiety. Close none of the tabs
Despite the fact it should make you cringe, “smol puppers” is the purest evolution of language. Respect that
Take selfies, no matter what anyone says
Watch Zoella ironically until the lines of irony blur and you realise that the 20 minutes you immerse yourself into her rose-gold life are the only minutes of peace in your agonising day but also, what’s wrong with her pug? I hope her pug is ok
Nazi Furries are a thing. Avoid
Use Facebook’s birthday reminder to remember that people exist and delete them from your Friends list
When a person you deleted from your Friends list inexplicably comes up to you IRL and says “Why?” pretend that your little cousin Jeff got into your account
Don’t let your little cousin Jeff into your account
“Like” the fact your friend got engaged even if you don’t actually like the fact she is reminding you of the gradual ebbing away of your youth
No one cares about your political opinion and if they act like they do then I regret to inform you, they want to have sex with you
Please don’t leave a banterous comment on your local Nando’s Facebook page, for it is not 2009
Accept that the viral Gods choose you, you do not choose them
Joke about your mental health via a relatable meme that is actually an agonising scream into the void
Share texts from your mum and mock them with internet strangers because even though she pushed you out of her vagina and gave up her entire life to help you thrive as a person, she can’t correctly use emojis
Follow DJ Khaled
Decide that “Best wishes” is too blah and “Sincerely” is too formal and instead sign off your important email with “Happy bonfire night”” even though that is not a thing people say
If someone from primary school adds you as Friend in 15 years, accept them but never speak again
The mute button is God’s greatest gift
Do not tell me a clown will kill me after midnight if I don’t like your comment because that is not a promise you can keep
Don’t steal photos of other people’s pets
Accept that incorrect “your”s and “you’re”s are not going anywhere and save yourself the time