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It is imperative that children are taught how to survive and thrive on the internet, claims a new House of Lords report. According to the Lords Communication Committee, pupils need to learn how to stay safe, avoid addictive games, and become “digitally literate”.
It’s hard to argue with the report, which is a great step forward in acknowledging that the internet now basically = life. Yet although it is crucial that children learn how to stay private and secure online, there are also some equally crucial and not-at-all-flippant pieces of information that the youth urgently need to know. Here are the first 41 lessons in that curriculum.
- To figure out how much to donate towards your mate’s charity half-marathon, half X OR double Y, where X is the amount paid by their mum and Y is the amount donated by your closest rival, Becky
- Don’t mention that it’s snowing
- If – for some reason – you talk about bombs in a Facebook message, follow this up with “Hi Theresa May” in case Theresa May is looking, and then Theresa May will think you are just joking
- If you are on a train and you are annoyed about the train, do not tweet @ the social media manager who runs the account for the train, because they are not, in fact, the train
- If a Facebook meme starts “Only 10 per cent of people can get this puzzle right” – know that lies are its captain
- It’s not pronounced me-me
- Never say me-me nor meem, for they should not be discussed out loud
- People can tell if you’ve watched their Instagram stories
- People can’t tell if you’ve waded back through their Zante 2008 album and viewed all 108 photos
- People can tell if you’ve waded back through their Zante 2008 album and viewed all 108 photos if you accidentally Like one – in this circumstance, burn yourself alive
- Jet fuel can melt steel beams
- If a dog-walking photo is taken in the woods and no one uploads it; did it even happen?
- Google it before you share it
- Know that Khloe Kardashian does not look that way because of a FitTea wrap
- Do not seek solace in #MondayMotivation – it is a desolate place
- Respect JK Rowling
- Please read an article before you comment about a point that the article specifically rebutted in great detail in order to prepare for such comments that alas, inevitably came
- Don’t be racist, ok?
- Never, under any circumstances, wade into the Facebook comment section under an article about Jeremy Corbyn
- If a dress looks white and gold to some people and black and blue to some others, please just go outside
- Open 200 tabs until you are crippled with anxiety. Close none of the tabs
- Despite the fact it should make you cringe, “smol puppers” is the purest evolution of language. Respect that
- Take selfies, no matter what anyone says
- Watch Zoella ironically until the lines of irony blur and you realise that the 20 minutes you immerse yourself into her rose-gold life are the only minutes of peace in your agonising day but also, what’s wrong with her pug? I hope her pug is ok
- Nazi Furries are a thing. Avoid
- Use Facebook’s birthday reminder to remember that people exist and delete them from your Friends list
- When a person you deleted from your Friends list inexplicably comes up to you IRL and says “Why?” pretend that your little cousin Jeff got into your account
- Don’t let your little cousin Jeff into your account
- “Like” the fact your friend got engaged even if you don’t actually like the fact she is reminding you of the gradual ebbing away of your youth
- No one cares about your political opinion and if they act like they do then I regret to inform you, they want to have sex with you
- Please don’t leave a banterous comment on your local Nando’s Facebook page, for it is not 2009
- Accept that the viral Gods choose you, you do not choose them
- Joke about your mental health via a relatable meme that is actually an agonising scream into the void
- Share texts from your mum and mock them with internet strangers because even though she pushed you out of her vagina and gave up her entire life to help you thrive as a person, she can’t correctly use emojis
- Follow DJ Khaled
- Decide that “Best wishes” is too blah and “Sincerely” is too formal and instead sign off your important email with “Happy bonfire night”” even though that is not a thing people say
- If someone from primary school adds you as Friend in 15 years, accept them but never speak again
- The mute button is God’s greatest gift
- Do not tell me a clown will kill me after midnight if I don’t like your comment because that is not a promise you can keep
- Don’t steal photos of other people’s pets
- Accept that incorrect “your”s and “you’re”s are not going anywhere and save yourself the time