They’re grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-out!
Yes, characters on cereal packets like Tony the Tiger, and other junk food mascots, are facing extinction. MPs on the health select committee are recommending a ban on brand mascots or TV and film characters being used to promote junk food.
So we caught up with Tony the Tiger and friends 20 years on, to see what they got up to after their dismissals.
Tony the Tiger
Flickr: Mark Mozart
After a lost decade that ended up in and out of rehab – his blue nose papped looking decidedly “frosted” by the tabloids – Anthony Gurr has settled in Orange County, California, where he runs a wellness and lifestyle business called Stripe. He hasn’t touched sugar in eight years. Gurr promotes his products on Instagram, with hashtags like #chaiofthetiger and #roarfood, alongside gym selfies with his signature red bandana tied around his head. After a long lifting session, he can sometimes be spotted lingering in the cereal aisle at his local grocery store, looking wistfully at the Special K.
Snap, Crackle and Pop
Flickr/BeccaFawley
Following a disastrous business venture that saw them trying to move from cereals into the pork scratchings market, Snap, Crackle and Pop decided to go their separate ways after citing “creative differences”. Snap’s solo career, which saw him come second to last in Eurovision five years ago, tanked after he was accused of cultural appropriation in a “reggae-inspired” song called “Pass the Krispie”, which he sang with false dreadlocks attached to his hat. Crackle is about to appear on the next series of Love Island, after doing his time in the Celebrity Big Brother house (coming a respectable third) and I’m A Celebrity, when he lost public sympathy by fat-shaming the Honey Monster. Pop came out and is now a presenter on daytime TV.
Professor Weeto
Youtube screengrab
Professor Weeto’s career as a kindly purveyor of sugary products came to an end when he gave an interview saying encouraging more “lady scientists” would “hold boys back” from careers in STEM. When pressed on his remarks, Professor Weeto accused the “liberal media and gender warriors” of “silencing the truth”. A senior fellow at the University of Chicago, Professor Weeto had to stand down last year after seven women came forward accusing him of sexual misconduct during the #metoo wave. Professor Weeto strongly denies the claims, apologising in a statement via his lawyer for “any offence I may have inadvertently caused”.
Coco the Monkey
Flickr: Alisdair
After releasing “I’d Rather Have a Bowl of Crimbo Pops” as a single in an attempt to make Christmas No 1 (it was pipped to the post by an autotuned version of “Ohh, Jeremy Corbyn”), Coco the Monkey has been touring university campuses and small-town dive bars with his blend of Nineties nostalgia and cheesy pop. Students throw own-brand coco pops at him when he plays foam parties. He stood in for Charlie on McBusted’s last tour. He makes a lot of Facebook events trying to get the old Kelloggs gang back together. They never click attending.
Quiky the Nesquick Bunny
Flickr: The Impulsive Buy
After a messy and public divorce from Loopy the Bee – who told the press Quiky needed to work through his “control issues” – Quiky has become a celebrated voice of men’s rights activists online. On his YouTube channel, The Thump, which targets “feminazis and cucks”, he encourages his 1.5 million subscribers to drink chocolate milk instead of water, which he claims is laced with oestrogen to weaken men, and touts other conspiracy theories. His Twitter account was briefly closed after Donald Trump retweeted a video he posted called “The Marxist Lie of Buck Privilege”, which turned out to be a hoax.
Loopy the Bee
Youtube screengrab
Loopy is a leading feminist campaigner and runs a menstrual hygiene NGO with her committed partner Cornelius the Cornflakes Rooster. With their combined fortune of £23m, the pair are often accused of being champagne breakfast socialists.
With the help of your mole’s esteemed colleagues.
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