UK Politics
Middle Islington more like
Published 19 March 2007
A sideways look at life in Westminster
Brave souls still thinking of risking their careers to challenge Big Gordie may pause for a moment after reading this snippet of information. As the wannabe lefty challengers John McDonnell and "Mad Mike" Meacher scramble to collect the 44 signatures each needs to run, Gordon Brown has already lapped them several times. My Gordie mole whispers that Nick "Newcastle" Brown, ex-chief whip and the Chancellor's numbers man, possesses a little book. Inside is a secret list of more than half of Labour's 352 MPs - those who have already signed up to nominate Big Gordie for leader. I was instantly reminded of that old saying: "Success has many parents; failure is an orphan."
Spotted stuffing chips into his mouth on a late-night Tube heading north on London Underground's Victoria Line was Iain Duncan Smith. My informant with the Oyster card was impressed at the speed with which the hungry former Tory leader devoured fried spuds, seemingly swallowing some whole. Far be it from me to carp, but many trains carry signs instructing passengers not to eat smelly foods. IDS, by the way, is chair of his party's social justice mob, who advocate better manners.
More fun and games at the dysfunctional Home Office where Liam Byrne, the immigration minister, seeks an unquiet word with his line manager John Reid's manservant, Steve "Master" Bates. Distraught Byrne blames Master Bates for a silly stunt that spun out of control, namely the ridiculed proposal to text overstayers to ask them to kindly form orderly queues to leave the country by the nearest exit. If Byrne is to be believed, Master Bates inserted the stunt in a press release without his permission and undermined the entire policy.
After many false starts, I finally summoned up the energy to study the five-page seating plan of last month's Tory Black and White Ball. On the top table with Druggie Dave was Simon Reuben, who recently clashed with Ken Livingstone, London's mayor. Red Ken caused a stir, you may recall, by telling the property developer to go back to Iran where he'd be better off under the ayatollahs - unconventional advice to give to someone of Iraqi origin. Also seated with Druggie Dave was the millionaire greenwasher Zac Goldsmith, presumably on the grounds that one Old Etonian per table isn't enough in Cam's New Model Party.
I bring you Tony Blair's unvarnished view of another of his ministers. It's the turn of Harriet Harman, who toils at Constitutional Affairs while dreaming of wearing the deputy's tiara, arguing that she's got Middle England female appeal. This is what the outgoing premier told your correspondent's snout of state: "What! Harriet Harman represent Middle England? Middle Islington, more like." Ooooh . . .
A visitor recounts seeing a Dalek in the office of Sir Humphrey, aka Gus O'Donnell, the cabinet secretary. The Doctor Who model was espied on his mantlepiece. An unkind adversary wonders aloud if it is there to remind the one-time No 10 spin-doctor of his days working for metallic John Major. At that time, Tory MPs were trying to exterminate the prime minister, while now Labour MPs try to, er, exterminate the Prime Minister.
Kevin Maguire is associate editor(politics) of the Daily Mirror
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