Simon Munnery
The hilarious blog from Britain’s most surreal comedian
Rook
- 5 comments
- Posted by Simon Munnery
- 23 January 2008
Are we to believe that being Canadian is more significant than being Gay? Simon Munnery's welcome return to newstatesman.com
I came out of my front door the other day and there was a man walking past on the phone going "…yeah yeah yeah I got Sky - but you’ll never guess what I’m getting next: floorboards…". It’s a question of priorities I suppose: With a sofa by the door for pizza deliveries and a good remote you’d hardly need flooring.
The sky is better than Sky©TM; no repeats; very [...]
Look!
- 1 comments
- Posted by Simon Munnery
- 02 November 2007
You can't scare monks with shellsuits
"Look" they say, don’t they? People generally and Australian media figures particularly - politicians, experts, opinion mongers. It’s the verbal equivalent of grabbing the listener by the lapels. "Look mate, it’s like this..." meaning, "your arguments, facts, whatever are all very well; but look at things from my perspective and you’ll see." It precedes not a rebuttal or refutation (that would be "No, mate..." and might lead to genuine debate) [...]
Cook
- 2 comments
- Posted by Simon Munnery
- 17 September 2007
The whole phenomenon of television cookery is a little baffling; the one thing that isn’t transmitted by TV is taste
Too many cooks spoil the broth; unless it is cook broth.
Poor Gordon Ramsay: His super enlarged face looms from billboards all over town. His image dwarfs him - anyone meeting him from now on cannot help but be subconsciously disappointed that his head isn’t six feet wide. "He seems so small in real life", they’ll say.
Before the billboards impinged upon my eyes I’d only been dimly aware of [...]
Kelp
- 1 comments
- Posted by Simon Munnery
- 14 August 2007
The true origins of the Edinburgh Festival based on a fact
Here I be, Edinburgh festival, goldfish bowl, cauldron of the vanities, ensconced.
It's tough at the top, they say, the ones at the top presumably, to remind us to not even try it. It's not particularly easy at the bottom. It's tough baby, tough - was that not what you wanted? You came here to suffer; don't you remember? Perhaps you've changed your mind; very well then change your mind: [...]
Yelp
- 3 comments
- Posted by Simon Munnery
- 01 August 2007
I am a hunter-journalist. Why should I feel ashamed for killing a mouse?
Less than an hour ago for the first time I killed a mouse with my bare hands. Well, not bare hands: I did it with my wife's shoe.
Hadn't seen one for ages; thought we'd got rid of them. Heard a noise in the kitchen; investigated and saw it. I stood still. So did the mouse. For ages. I thought "Can I get it?". I noticed the shoe. (I'd noticed [...]
Help
- 2 comments
- Posted by Simon Munnery
- 16 July 2007
'Never a borrower or a lender be,' my Uncle used to say, and perhaps inevitably the bank sacked him
Recently I’ve been thinking about the many forms of help.
Advice is the easiest to give, and the least use.
President Truman said: "I’ve found the best way to give advice to my children is to find out what they want to do, and then advise them to do it."
"If you want my advice…” folk say, and before you’ve had a chance to say “No! No! A thousand [...]
Stains
- 3 comments
- Posted by Simon Munnery
- 04 July 2007
Simon Munnery says what he would do if he was prime minister giving us a glimpse of a brighter world in which he would also be king
I’m informed there’s been a change of leader. I feel as a passenger on a long-haul flight might when woken at 4am to be informed that for the rest of the journey the co-pilot will be at the controls: almost indifferent.
The outgoing leader wanted history to be his judge. That’s good; so let’s not even talk about him. We’re encouraged to condemn our leaders, but is that fair? Shouldn’t [...]
Change
- 0 comments
- Posted by Simon Munnery
- 18 June 2007
"It’s easy if you try," sang John Lennon. He was wrong
Everything you’ve known will be swept away. Sometimes I lay in bed trying to recall the faces and names of my class at primary school. They come back in dribs and drabs but overall there is so little I can remember of those seven years, and anyway a fair proportion of my memories are of photographs - secondary memories - and it strikes me with horror that I can never [...]
Strange
- 2 comments
- Posted by Simon Munnery
- 06 June 2007
Shouting on the phone is picking a fight with someone you cannot have a fight with; ideal for bullies and cowards
A man walks down the street shouting expletives at the top of his voice. Is he mad? Or on the phone? And since - from a distance at least - you cannot tell which, may we conclude that they are equivalent; that shouting on the phone is a form of madness? Certainly it makes no sense; the increased volume is not transmitted; the signal breaks up; and the person on [...]
Coast
- 0 comments
- Posted by Simon Munnery
- 22 May 2007
Being rude but getting away with it - every child’s dream
We are drawn to the coast. Well, dragged there by our parents initially. Look at the sea; remember the past. Look at the sky; imagine the future. Look at the land; think of the present. And at the most profound place, where land, sea, and sky are one - there ye shall play volleyball. What is it about the sight of a flat horizon that eases the mind? [...]
Most
- 1 comments
- Posted by Simon Munnery
- 08 May 2007
The less you know the more dangerous you are
Recently someone said to me “You’re a writer; what do you write?” “Notes mostly” I replied. Endless reams of half thoughts, beginnings of novels, ends of monologues, choruses of songs, diagrams, calculations, plans; fragments and seeds destined never to germinate cast as they have been on the stoney ground of my indifference. And that’s the good stuff: it’s mainly scribble. Here’s a selection.
Socrates said “I know that I know [...]
Post
- 3 comments
- Posted by Simon Munnery
- 23 April 2007
Prince Harry, Bob Dylan and a revolution for the Post Office
Recently I was struck by an idea. It makes a change from bottles. It’s a simple idea and it is this: The post office alone should maintain a database with everyone’s address; so that to write to someone one need only put the person’s name on the envelope and a machine in the sorting office would automatically add the other details. Then, when you move house, you need only inform [...]
Fermin
- 1 comments
- Posted by Simon Munnery
- 05 April 2007
The pleasure to be had on a beach in Spain, becoming mayor of Barcelona and other stories
One can only know true misery in hot weather; everything else is at least partially absence of sun. Similarly one can only know true loneliness when surrounded by friends; everything else is at least partially absence of friends. It follows that if you wish to know the truest misery and loneliness possible you must gather you friends and family around you and go to some warm and beautiful place. You [...]
Mean
- 1 comments
- Posted by Simon Munnery
- 23 March 2007
How the rich become rich, billiards and other questions...
MEAN -ing is what I have been thinking about recently. Take the oft repeated though seldom spoken phrase "Tesco, every little helps" for example.
What does it mean? It has a noun at the beginning followed by two adjectives with a verb at the end; a most unusual structure - one hesitates to call it a sentence - unique, I believe; and ambiguous. Every little what helps [...]
Green
- 1 comments
- Posted by Simon Munnery
- 12 March 2007
What does 'green' really mean?
Recently I've been thinking about green things: Broccoli, courgettes, cabbage - the medicine of the poor as twas known.
My grandmother swore by it, and would wrap a leaf round an infected wound to "draw the poison out", she also bashed the top of boiled eggs "to let the witches out" but that's another story.
I've lied to my daughter consistently since birth on one subject. I tell her [...]
