“Dragonstone”, the first episode of Game of Thrones’ seventh season, ended with a beginning. Daenerys, having finally reached her ancestral seat, the dramatic-looking Dragonstone, strides through the gates, admires her throne, and enters The Chamber of the Painted Table. The table – which we’ve seen before as Stannis Baratheon’s strategy room in season two – is carved into the shape of Westeros, with model ships and armies that are moved around the board. She runs her fingers from the North to the South, her hand trailing over the place where the Wall meets the sea, before standing at the Southern coast. “Shall we begin?”
There was a lot of build-up to get to this point. The cold open, which saw Arya disguised as Walder Frey poison the entire Frey army with some deliciously vengeful dialogue (“When people ask you what happened here, tell them the North remembers. Tell them winter came for House Frey.”), felt like it belonged to the (literally) explosive two episodes that rounded off season six. But once the credits rolled, this opener felt slower, thicker, and more bogged down in exposition.
- Arya slaughtering a hall full of men from behind the face of their own Lord, sparing the abused women, and whispering iconic lines about wolves, sheep, and how Winter came for the Freys. +27.
- Jon insisting women join the fight. +5. I will regard Jon in this mode like I do all male feminists – with extreme scepticism.
- Lyanna Mormont repping Bear Island like an iconic goddess. +34. Who can argue with lines like “I don’t plan on knitting by the fire while men fight for me. I might be small, Lord Glover, and I might be a girl, but I am every bit as much a Northerner as you. And I don’t need your permission to defend the North”? Literally no one, that’s who.
- Sansa taking her seat at the Winterfell table. +11. I like her ambition, but this doesn’t seem like the best strategy to use to get Jon to listen to her advice.
- Sansa: “No need to seize the last word Lord Baelish, I will assume it was something clever.” +17. You’re doing amazing, sweetie.
- Euron’s weird Hot Topic does Pirates of the Caribbean merch outfit. -19.
- Ableist loser Euron taking the piss out of Jaime’s gold fist while wearing his poor man’s Johnny Depp garb. -21.
- Arya eating Ed Sheeran’s food. +7. Please starve him by depriving him of his fair share, like our guinea pig starved its hutchmates.
- Arya not murdering Ed Sheeran. -21.
- Ed Sheeran, existing. -136.
- Cersei’s scheming. -5. As the ripples of her terror attack subside, Cersei looks a lot less badass and a lot more… weak. But then again, Cersei does thrive when people underestimate her.
- Tormund’s bold flirting strategy. +7
- The Hound: “You’re not fooling anyone with that top knot, ya bald cunt.” +13.
- Sam shovelling poop. -12.
- Sam picking up a human heart and liver like it’s no big deal. +9.
- Sam stealing books. +12.
- Dany finally reaching her castle in Westeros, not even pausing to claim the nicest bedroom or have a piss before beginning her military strategy. +17.
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