“Beatrice Webb refused to be a deb” – and other centenary clerihews

The satirist Craig Brown’s first published article appeared in the New Statesman in 1978. He fetes our centenary with choice clerihews praising everyone from Jemima Khan to Malcolm Muggeridge.

By Craig Brown

Beatrice Webb
Refused to be a deb.
She thought life much lusher
In Soviet Russia.
The reputation of Sidney Webb
Continues to ebb
As they look through his files
Under “Stalin’s show trials”.
A C Grayling
Has only one failing:
Given the green light he
Holds forth like God Almighty.
David Hare
Takes special care
To ensure his plays don’t lack
A very long speech about the
State of England delivered by
a disillusioned character,
preferably dressed in a mac.
Hugh Grant
Said “Shan’t!”
When told to shut up:
Naughty pup.
Malcolm Muggeridge
Gave a thug a fridge;
He was naturally contrarian
When confronting the barbarian.
Harold Pinter,
Outraged the Statesman wouldn’t print a
Poem called “Fucking Yankee Shit Wank Jerk”,
Yells: “But it’s a hugely important work!”
John Maynard Keynes
Helped workers lose their chains
And, by way of relaxation,
Wrote The Inflation of Currency
As a Method of Taxation.
Jemima Khan
Coos: “Wow, it’s so much fahn
“Associate-editing the Staggers,
“One of my absolute fave glossy maggers!”
Alastair Campbell
Took a gamble
On WMDs; and lost,
To our cost.
Eric Hobsbawm
Considered obeying orders the norm
And so didn’t react
To the Molotov-Ribbentrop pact.
John Major
Went into rage a
Day after the Statesman laid bare
The (wrong) affair.
Martin Amis
Wasn’t cast in Les Miz
Though they should have found room: he
Is sufficiently gloomy.
Richard Dawkins
Favours radio talk-ins.
“Prof, we’re putting you through
“To God on line 2.”
J B Priestley
Was rarely beastly.
He preferred to sit on the fence
Of plain common sense.
Cyril Connolly
Would eat and drink bonnily,
>Causing him to shout,
“In every fat man a thin one is
wildly signalling to be let out.”
Julian Assange Says: “Le patron mange
“Ici, because I’m now the chief member, see,
“Of the Ecuadorean embassy.”
Denis Healey
>Has gone all touchy-feely,
Recently paying hommage
To Nigel Farage.
Bruce Page
Had a talent to enrage,
Declaring: “Evelyn Waugh
“Is a writer we deplore!”
Arthur Marshall
Proved too partial
To darling Mrs T.
(Oh deary, deary me!)
George Orwell
Didn’t tour well;
He could be heard to murmur
Rude remarks about Burma.
Kingsley Martin
Took no part in
God Save the King:
It wasn’t his thing.

1 & 2 With only modest reservations, the founders of the New Statesman, Beatrice and Sidney Webb, supported Stalin through the Great Purge.

3 One of A C Grayling’s pieces for the NS began: “What religious people mean by ‘god’ means nothing to me beyond an incoherent cluster of concepts . . . ”