UK Politics
Red Dave goes slaphead
Published 11 December 2006
A wry look at life in Westminster
A bird's-eye view from the Press Gallery of Red Dave's barnet permits me to record that his bald patch is spreading, fast. A follicle-free zone the size of an eggcup a year ago, when the boy seized the Tory crown, now looks as big as a teacup. With his hairline retreating, odds are shortening on the party discovering that it's picked William Hague Mk II by the general election. Britons don't favour slapheads: the last baldy premier, Sir Alec Douglas-Home back in 1963-64, lost the only election he fought as leader. In one of those amazing coincidences that may cause Cameron to pull out a few more hairs, Sir A was also the last Old Etonian to be Tory leader.
Parliamentary cyberspace is abuzz with a spat between the Labour peacenik Joan Ruddock and cold-war warrior John Spellar, with collateral damage suffered by Harriet Harman, an innocent bystander. A series of emails is forwarded to your correspondent. Ping: Ruddock, once chair of CND, informed colleagues that she and Mike Foster (of the Hastings rather than Worcester franchise of the name) backed Harman's tilt at the Labour deputy tiara. Ping: Spellar demanded to know if Harman similarly supports scrapping Trident. Ping: "Nice try," responded Ruddock, protesting that she was backing Harman, not Harman backing her. Witnessing hostilities from the safety of their inbox was every Labour MP, no longer required to go to the tearoom to enjoy a bun fight. My appetite is whetted for when the gloves come off in the campaign proper. I predict bloodshed.
Down at heel is the fragrant Virginia Bottomley, once a resident of this village. The former Tory matron is making her way in the world as a headhunter after quitting politics to spend more time with other people's money. She is, by all accounts, doing very nicely and earning enough to buy one of those expensively tailored business suits that don't bother with anything as practical as pockets. Cue a reception where Mrs B worked the room, requesting business cards from potential clients. My snout watched in awe as she slipped off her right shoe, popped them in and put it back on, all in one graceful motion. Botto thinks her old colleagues are eccentric.
Charles "Fatty" Clarke still dreams of returning to government under Big Gordie, I'm reliably informed, despite dismissing the premier-in-waiting-for-not-much-longer as a psychopath. As penance, the former home secretary is prepared to do his time as a minister of state instead of parachuting straight back into the cabinet. So very humble of a man born to rule. Big Gordie is said to be tickled by the prospect.
To the Burnley leg of Billy Bragg's "Hope Not Hate" tour, where the Bard of Barking suggested twinning the BNP-blighted Lancs town with his similarly infected backyard. The crooner unfavourably contrasted the efforts of the east London MPs Jon Cruddas and Margaret Hodge to roll back the far right, seeing the latter as a symbol of all that is wrong with new Labour and the former as an example of what is best. Bragg vowed to support Cruddas. Shame he left the party some years ago, or he could have voted for him, too.
Kevin Maguire is associate editor (politics) of the Daily Mirror
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